why i am over dating

So, I decided to start a blog based on feedback given from a friend about a recent email that I wrote, originally just to my normal friend email chain that goes on everyday at work, that I ended up sending around to half of the people I know. When I started thinking about it, I realized it could be rather therapeutic and that my Mom often sends around funny anecdotal emails, so perhaps she has passed on the craft to me? We shall see what the first round of feedback is like and take it from there.

I know many people oftentimes think and say "this would only happen to me" but when it comes to dating I have been through quite a roller coaster over the past 18 months and I feel like I can confidentially say this after my last experience.

This week, I had a "date" that was absolutely unreal, and not in a good way.

This boy, who shall remain nameless, turned out to be a complete and utter gong show. What I have done in my past to be hand delivered such experiences in my life I do not know, though I guess I can think of a few things in my high school years that might warrant such punishment.

So here is how this night went:

Boy cancels dinner plans that were made during the day, after I accommodate by ditching my volunteer plans, that have already suffered several rain checks (note to self: this could be another one of the reasons for future punishment). I am disappointed at the cancellation (via text message I might add) but decide to take the opportunity to catch up on my domestic "to do's" which lately had been taking a back seat due to a extremely busy work schedule.

Boy calls a couple hours later to see if I wanted to "hang out" later on, which means him coming over to watch a movie. It sounded like a good idea at the time, so I graciously accept the invitation to hang out as I was looking forward to it after having what had appeared to be a pretty decent first date.

This is where things start to spiral.

Boy shows up at 10:30 p.m. (mind you I have to be at work in midtown by 8:30 a.m. and I live in Brooklyn) via bicycle with a 45 minute to-do list of tasks on my computer and an appetite for Kashi cereal, green tea, weed, a back rub, a movie, a cigarette, a hookup, and a bed that is available to sleep in until noon the next day, and in that order.

Topics of the nights discussions: Whether or not he can ethically round his 3.621 GPA to 3.7, how great swimming is (and better than my sport of running), how a cup of green tea a day will make you live 8 years longer (not sure where that cigarette and weed fits into this equation), how I need to move my plant closer to the window because it needs more sun light, how he wants children, but actually wants to carry them in his "detachable womb" which we should someday have if we can have prosthetic arms that function, and how he isn't looking for a "relationship" and sometimes is "into me" and sometimes "isn't", so maybe we could just be friends with benefits. I know what you're thinking, how chivalrous, right?

Other highlights of the night include me having to get out of bed to ask my roommates for a cigarette for him to smoke with his morning coffee, him getting out of bed to run downstairs to ask my roommates for a bowl to smoke his weed out of, being told that "you aren't very good at this" while giving him a requested back rub, and then given step-by-step instructions on how to do so.

The icing on the cake for me was, not only did he not wake up in the morning when I went to work (5 1/2 hours after we finally got to sleep) but I was alerted by my roommates the next day that he didn't leave until after 12 noon, and also not before making himself coffee, going through my roommates bedrooms looking for a bike bump and completely running down the battery on my laptop.

No "thanks" or "had fun" note, text or email. It's been about a week, and I haven't heard a word, you can imagine how devastated I am.

I swear, only in New York, and only to me. If this is karma, somebody is really pissed at me.

I am over dating. Sign me up to become a priest.